**Disturbing Email** Giving my all
Feb 6, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-Rlx3yZJlw

we are organs so we do not have the
things that we need to be able to play
in the snow so my kids have the typical
socks on the hands slippers on the feet
yep
this kid over here is got sandals on one
day in the snow we are or go nians so we
do not have the things that we need to
be able to play in the snow so my kids
have the typical socks on the hands
slippers on the feet yep that's my kids
for you you guys can walk on the grass
thank you can't make a snowman
[Music]
[Music]
they won't step on it show them this way
Maya this kid over here is about sandals
on why Jeremiah after today that's the
last time you were in that jacket it's
too small this is what we woke up to
today it's not a lot but it's enough
that the kids are enjoying it we are
true or going in so we do not have the
equipment to play in the snow so it is
socks on the hands I don't know why Maya
has nothing on his hands and knees and
sandals you know because it's summertime
why not careful mark careful be careful
man
okay don't run s wrong I don't need you
to fall okay come back over here you
guys they say that it's supposed to snow
again Friday I thought first of all that
we would do early reading tonight so um
let's see what our book is saying it
says for today's self love journal day
it says I am worthy of every good thing
that comes to me I will no longer
second-guess my blessings that speaks
volumes to me that speaks so much to my
heart because sometimes I wonder if I'm
worthy of the good things that come to
me sometimes I wonder if I'm worthy
enough to have a good friend or you know
am i worthy enough to have an amazing
group of people on my youtube channel
you know I sometimes I guess myself on
that and I shouldn't because I am worthy
enough to have amazing people in my life
I am worthy enough to have relationships
that are amazing and I am just as worthy
as anybody else and so are you so don't
ever second-guess your your blessing
when it comes to you and the good things
are happening accept them with such open
arms and don't second-guess yourself
because your ability to receive amazing
things is so right on and we all deserve
great things to come our way so that was
that was a that was a good one that that
really again like I was saying sorry you
guys I'm in a movie at Versailles good I
got to adjust my leg cool I was going to
sleep
um sitting like that for far too long it
really kind of speaks to me because of
the things that I've kind of been going
through the last couple of days and I've
been pretty quiet about it and just
chewing on it and digesting it and
trying to see where where I can maybe
make some changes and things that my
mind set and you know the way that I I
guess accept things certain some
sometimes in life one of the things that
you know I've been sitting quiet on
is an email that i received from
somebody and it was a sub e no I do want
to make it clear that when I do speak
about any type of message that I receive
I will never ever ever ever ever
disclose who the person is
I will never even shine lights necessary
I don't feel that it's right I think
everybody has the right to write any of
their opinions on my platform and in
confidentiality I believe that people
can share certain things and know that I
will protect their name I may share what
they write to me but it will not ever
come out of a way where somebody would
be pinpointed or figured out or colors
shown or anything like that because I
just I'm not that type of a person I
would never ever and I don't care who
the person is how much they are saying
what they're saying if it's hurtful or
not I will never throw a sword back it
should it's it's really not worth it so
you know and a lot of times hurtful
comments because people hurt you know so
sometimes people lash out because
they're hurting themselves and they just
need extra of compassion and that's how
I that's how I deal with things so
anyways the email that I received was
talking about how you know I don't get
back in contact with people I don't
write them back quick enough that my
channel has 100% change that I'm not
consistent with what I am you know what
my channel is supposed to be about and
that I constantly am uploading videos of
me doing nails and doing my vinylene on
shirts and stuff and it could be you
know it could be something that some
people enjoy but not everybody enjoys it
that my channel no longer talks about my
weight loss
and it shows all the bad things that
I've been eating and as I read the email
it it really hit my heart pretty hard
one beans because as most of you guys
know some of you guys are new and and
this doesn't pertain to you guys I am
sharing this though for everybody just
to kind of get my viewpoint and the I
guess what we're I'm filling on this
whole matter in this email but you know
as most of you guys know I do my best to
get back to everybody
between emails and messages through
YouTube I also receive text messages I
receive not including I receive emails
for my vinyl business I am running two
business pages for different merch wins
plus I'm you know I also run my own page
for my vinyl business I run an Instagram
page for my youtube channel so I have
Instagram messages that come through
that I'm also trying to keep up with I
mean I've got messages from all
directions but I try my hardest to get
back with everybody and to everybody in
the quickest timely manner that I can
but also keeping in mind that I also am
a wife I'm a mother to three babies I am
a human I need time for myself too and
that gave me chills and as passionate as
I am about my youtube channel to hear
that I've let somebody down breaks my
heart it really does because I do my
best to meet everybody's needs
and to think and know that I'm not doing
it quick enough really hurts because I
thought I was doing good on that about
my channel changing you know when I very
first started out with YouTube my you
know something I kind of was explaining
here earlier is that you know it has
changed a little bit in the sense that
it was all about shopping hauls it
wasn't about my weight you know but then
things changed and dynamics changed and
my mind changed and things became more
important and serious to me and so my
focus changed so of course my channel
changed but in my description it it says
that this is a journey of my life from
my weight loss to my healing of my
traumatic childhood to just life in
general this is a journey this is my
life this is why it's called Amy's life
journey and some days I will do my nails
and it's something that I am passionate
and passionate about and I am so sorry
if that offends people that aren't into
Nels I am so sorry I I love sharing
things that I'm passionate about and
that I love to do and so some days I may
not vlog very much but I'm doing nails
and I want to share other times you know
I my vinylene you know it is a business
and I am learning to juggle multiple
balls in my hands and trying to keep it
all in the best rotation as possible
without throwing all of my
responsibilities on to my channel but
I've also had so many requests from
people saying hey we love watching your
vinylene please share please show us
more so I do that but
I get emails like I received that say we
don't care well not we I don't care
about your vinylene I don't care that
you're doing your nails
that's not enjoyable to me and I want to
take everybody's opinions and their
likes and dislikes and put as much as I
can into each of my channels but I can
only meet so many people in the middle
and still come out feeling like I have
spread myself evenly where I feel like I
am giving a hundred percent and not
giving only a percentage of myself
because like I've said multiple times my
channel gets a hundred percent of me
because it's my passion I love this I
love what I do I would never want to do
anything different so it just makes me
sad when I read something like that you
know and about my weight loss I'm not
sure where that comment came from
because I no matter what since July 11th
when I stepped on that skill for the
first time and we started our journey
together as a channel I have never
missed one Saturday of weigh-ins it has
been every Saturday and I weigh with you
guys every Saturday you guys see it on
Sundays whether it's a gain a loss a
stay the same I don't care my my part is
to get on the scale and show you guys
where I'm out for that week
does a number tell you who I am no no it
doesn't is there gonna be months where I
gain yeah I'm sure there are are there
gonna be months where I lose of course
of course but this is why it's called a
journey because I'm not perfect I'm
going through a lot of traumatic health
ins like not health sorry traumatic
therapy and so some weeks and months
might be harder depending on how deep
of traumatic touching we're getting into
with things that happen to my childhood
and you know I I was diagnosed with
binge eating disorder through my doctor
a year and a half ago and I can proudly
say that I have gotten to the point
where in this journey I have not done a
binge in over four months four months
that's a long time when you do it all
the time before because that's what you
knew what to do for your coping and
about eating unhealthy again and I've
made this so clear so many times to
everybody and most all of you guys
understand this except maybe this one
person that just isn't getting it I am
NOT on a diet I don't do a certain diet
I don't throw shade on diets hands down
if diets work for people do them but it
doesn't work for me I have to do
something that is life-altering life's
abstaining because this is my life
journey this is life time but you know
there's this is something that I'm
substan informed to eat food and
moderation and having a healthy
relationship with food but I don't cut
out food because again with my eating
disorder to cut food out what caused me
to bench and that's not a healthy thing
for me every individual is different for
the reason that it's called individual
there is not one same person in this
world ever and so what I suffer from is
not what this person's gonna suffer from
or this person or that person so what
works for one person might not work for
another person you know I have become
very close with a youtuber her name is
Kido mama
she's on our Channel and she's on the
keto diet and she's done amazing amazing
and hands down I give her props for
everything she does would I throw shade
for her because she's on keto diet no
not at all you know just it's I would
never throw shade on somebody I don't
care who they are what they are what
they stand for what they promote I would
never sound shade I'll send shade on
them because it works for them you know
just because something doesn't work for
me doesn't mean it's not gonna work for
somebody else but don't say just because
you see that I'm eating wrong food which
means absolutely nothing to me because I
eat everything that I'm not fulfilling
my obligation of my channel which is I'm
on a life journey which is my my eating
habits I don't call it a diet because
it's never gonna be a diet I have been
with dinner it was so good so we got a
whole chicken and then I just made a
side salad for myself
Omar in them and Maya and Holly in them
had it was like it almost reminds me of
like KFC's mac and cheese but they had
that but I did not I had a bite I had a
bite but I didn't have any more than
that but I had lots of chicken and lots
of salad with a little bit of croutons
and then I just made myself my water so
here was that water bottle that I told
you guys and then I added this to it but
it's zero calories and yeah zero
calories doesn't
survey this 24 I don't know how to I
don't know go by the glass one squeeze
for each eight fluid ounces that's the
23 so I did a few extras you it's just
scores um let's see what are you opening
all right
can't be too hard come on one Amy oh
that's like a water bottle that's nice
though but it's kind of watered down
he's gonna handle them all mmm for me
personally one like Atkins diet I was
told by my doctor I cannot do it because
of my kidneys so right there tells you
that I was like told not to do it but I
don't feel that I have eaten anything
that would veer me off of the track of
my focus and my vision which is eating
food whatever I want but in moderation
because that's how that's to 'native
intuitive ii mean that is how i've been
trained through my nutritionist is that
you can eat anything you want as long as
you're eating it in moderation now I
know somebody and I'm not gonna mean him
not naming names but somebody on their
channel did talk about this once and she
got a lot of crap from it because
they're like no nutritionists would tell
you that no nutrition yes yes my
nutritionist told me the same thing that
you can eat anything you want mindfully
without restricting without self
judgment
you can eat these things but it's
teaching yourself to eat them in
moderation what I go in I mean no I'll
tell you my nutritionist if I was
sitting in the room with her right now
and I said well you know I know you can
have McDonald's and but I would never
have McDonald's every single day she
would look at me and she'd be like why
why not like what why why wouldn't you
have McDonald's every single day and I
would look at her and be like wow I
don't know and so at the beginning I
would like why is she telling me this
like why would she be telling me that
it's okay to eat McDonald's every single
day but because it's all training your
brain is she saying to have McDonald's
every single day yeah she is she's
giving me permission to but in the end
what the trick is is that as you end up
giving yourself permission to eat
McDonald's every single day your body
will not want McDonald's every single
day but you'll be doing you'll be
turning away from McDonald's not because
of judgment but because your mind has
changed different thoughts so mmm
there's been days while there was a day
Oh what day WA I can't even think of it
what day was but there was a day and
it's been and then it's been in the
close timing that our family had Burger
King and I a Burger King and did I self
judge myself and abuse myself and pour
myself out and freak out and do all
these things because oh my gosh I had
Burger King absolutely not no I ate the
Burger King I owned my Burger King I
enjoyed my Burger King and then I was
done but once I had it I was I was good
like I was okay with it so it always
just you know I think as time goes by
and you're teaching yourself these
things you learn what works for you and
what does it and there are things that I
know but it's all teaching yourself that
you can have things without having
judgment against you and as long as
you're not self judging yourself that is
what matters the most and I know what
works for me and I know what doesn't and
diets don't work for me they are very
temporary and they are very restricting
to me and restricting restricting
doesn't work for me
but again it doesn't mean just because
it's not my thing
doesn't mean that it's not somebody
else's thing so I just really want to
make that clear that what works for one
doesn't mean it has to work for all and
I would never ever ever ever judge
somebody for doing a program or whatever
it might be I will never judge you you
know there was a time when I was on this
program this was let's see Omar will be
four so I'll say this was about five and
a half years ago because it was right
before I got pregnant with him I went on
this program was called med fast and
basically now it's called it's the same
thing it's basically the same company
just they think they've changed their
name up a little bit but it's now called
Octavia Octavia or something like that
but it was med fast when I did it and
it's basically prepackaged food that
comes to you it's like in a dry material
it comes in packets and you have like
soups and shakes and there's like a
brownie that thought it makes me sick
but you know I was so desperate to lose
weight I would do anything I could do
and I paid it was about five hundred and
fifty dollars a month that I paid
because what I would do is I would I
bought the food I bought the program and
then with that I went to
classes added a building and that was
like my coach myself coach or me my I
don't know what she was and they would
do your weigh in and all that and I lost
I lost about 60 pounds on it I could not
subsea not after like probably after
about three weeks I was like oh heck no
the smell of I can't even thought of it
makes my mouth water because it was so
disgusting
it's all a mental trip that's all this
is it's a game of a mind mental trip do
I judge people for doing this absolutely
not everybody has to do their own thing
and find their own paths but everybody
has their highs and their lows of what
works for them and doesn't and that med
festive not work for me what no but I
spent so much money hot ahead I paid I
was on her for about four months and I
paid five hundred fifty dollars a month
and as soon as I stopped eating the food
I was just right back up I gained that
60 pounds and I think I ended up gaining
like an extra thirty pounds shoot me
that's when I ended up getting up to the
four or no the five fifteen and then I
came back down to four twenty three and
that's when I got pregnant with Omar but
I mean I got all the way up to five
fifteen from being on that that med fast
BS because it's just it's not something
that's sustainable you cannot sustain
your life on that it's just you can't
and I'll tell you right now the program
seems so promising but them at the same
time it's just like mm-hmm
I've been on Weight Watchers I lost
sixty no I lost 80 pounds eighty or
eighty eight pounds on Weight Watchers
as soon as I stopped the program he'll
get right back up there is no program
that has worked for me because it
is much deeper than any program can
reach my problem doesn't it my problem
isn't food my problem is my abuse and my
hurt and everything that was and is
still inside me that food helped me care
but the problem wasn't the food it was
just what I found to make me feel better
but once I've started digging deeper and
now I know that it's gonna take this
life change to do this so going back to
that email with that comment that was
made you know that you're not eating
healthy and you know your your content
is not what you say it's supposed to be
I really have to agree to disagree
because I honestly don't feel like my
channel is it's not about one thing you
know my channel is about everything it's
called vlogs vlogs means what I do in a
day I my kids might be in my vlog one
day one day I might do a sit-down video
you know and that's the other thing the
person said was well you know you don't
sit down and chitchat anymore because
sometimes I don't want to sometimes I
want to show you guys what I'm doing and
where I'm at and how I live life and
then there days were like today I did a
little bit of both you know I showed you
guys what we got from the grocery shorts
store if I can talk and I get to
chitchat
you know so every day is different
there's not any one given day that's
gonna be the same cuz never one day is
the same for me I don't live a
repetitious life I my days change every
single day that's just how life goes
where you're the Ramadan's
but I just I really my message out to
you guys is I really hope that I'm not
letting you guys down I hope that I am
reaching you guys on the level that you
guys and your expectations are and you
know I do this for you guys I love what
I do but I do it for you
all you know and so like I said it does
Satta me to know that I'm not reaching
everybody's expectations but I hope I'm
reaching a majority you know I haven't
heard any negativity until this email
and it really shocked me really I just
was like kind of dumbfounded like wow
okay you know and this is a sub e that
I've had for a long time so it just
really shocked me to hear this but you
know I mean life is life and we have to
move on but don't think that it goes
without me not feeling bummed you know
because I would never
shrug somebody's feelings and opinions
office if it doesn't matter because you
know I keep being told by just sort of a
handful but you know now that you're
getting famous and now that you're busy
and now that you're this now that you're
that you don't have time for us no more
that's not it I don't know why people
feel that way yes I understand that I
don't get back to every snapchat the
second they're put out I try I do my
best but also there are days that I just
don't I really don't have it in me to be
able to find time to do that you know
well I sent you an email and it took you
you know two days to get back to me and
I am so sorry like I said it's not many
of you that I've said this it's only
been a couple and one certain email that
has come through to tell me that I'm
just failing on a lot and I feel really
bad that this person feels that way
because it's not my intention at all at
all at all at all at all so yeah I don't
know I just hope that everybody has been
okay with my channel and I feel like it
is because it keeps growing and
everybody keeps telling me how they like
it so maybe it's just this person that
sent me this message is just really
dealing with some inner issues and
directed it to more towards me
unfortunately you know and that's okay
that is okay because I'm pretty
confident that I know that I'm doing
what I should be doing and I feel pretty
confident that majority of all of you
would come to me if there was a problem
but I haven't heard any negativity and
that's why I went back through like four
or five of my videos last night and read
all the comments thinking gosh did I die
missed something in some words did
somebody say something more than this
person and no so when this person was
like yeah I have to agree with everybody
else and what they're saying I'm
thinking oh my god where did I miss the
comment it wasn't I didn't see any
comments there was no comments made
besides this one person excuse us her
she's being her drama self y'all know
she's got the drama queen crown on so
yeah it just it was really sad that I
feel like you know that I let somebody
down but it's not my intention at all
and I promise that from the bottom of my
heart
you guys are everything to me you guys
are why I do this if it wasn't for that
I wouldn't be here but I love doing this
for you guys
so that's why I try to reach every one
of you guys in your expectations because
I want to make sure I'm making everybody
happy so if you guys are messaging me
and I'm not getting back to you I am so
sorry if you have snapped me and I
haven't snapped you back yet I am very
very sorry know that it is my intentions
to get back to everybody and I will
continue to keep trying it just might
take a day or two to get it back but I
promise you I will get back to each and
every one of you
so anyways with that I am gonna close
because my kids are tired and we have a
late dinner and this moment wants to put
them to bed but I gotta take a shower
and I gotta put my my oil on I didn't
last night and well tonight my face is
really dry and so I didn't pick my lips
at all today look at you guys no picking
my lips look I'm bringing guys closer no
picking of the lips and no picking of my
fingers there healing up little by
little they're still sore but little by
little look at this do you guys see that
wait obviously I think
close enough do you see that groove that
groove right right there do you see it I
don't know if you guys can see it or not
it's on both of my nails do you see it
look it right there that groove guys
I've really destroyed my nails but look
at how long they've grown look look at
that baby look
but then I've got short nails on the
side they don't grow the same um but I'm
not going to do anything with them I'm
not putting in false nails on I'm doing
nothing with them at this point I am
letting them just chillax and relax let
all this grow out and then once this all
grows out then me and Ollie talked about
being able to let me get my nails done
that we can put that on the the budget
for us to be able to do because it's
something that I've really wanted to do
and he knows it so he tries to meet me
in the middle of things that I want to
do too so anyways alright well I am done
chatting your your ears off your ears
and I will check in with you guys
tomorrow bright and shiny in the morning
I really hope that we do not wake up
with snow on the ground again because I
don't want to do it I don't wanna do it
it's gone right now actually so
hopefully it continues to stay gone and
we can wake up to no snow and go on with
life the way that we should I have
tomorrow so I kinda I missed my day
today working so I'm actually tomorrow I
think I'm gonna work from 2 to 6
depending but I think I'm gonna work
tomorrow from 2 to 6 so anyways
alright y'all I love you guys and thank
you for sticking in with me and watching
us and seeing what we've been up to and
as always I will check in with you
I smile bright and shiny in the morning
until them sweet dreams
but I
